Troubled Thoughts- Part Four

11:07 A.M. January 24, 2009

“Same Start, New Story”

So Dr. Gwen is late, seven minutes and twenty seven seconds to be exact. I’m not upset by any means. It just means more time for me to write my life story in you, little journal. I still think that you’re just a stupid book and you won’t help anything. However, writing in you is kind of addicting. It keeps my mind off of life. In a way, it’s kind of therapeutic, the constant rhythm of my pencil scratching against your rough, recycled paper. I still don’t believe writing my story is going to fix things. I don’t feel any different. I really don’t. Little journal, do you think I’ve changed? I’ll take your silence as a no. Exactly, Dr. Gwen, your silly little black and white journal project hasn’t worked at all. That’s why you should be here, asking me questions like, “What do you think will help?” and “When you’re feeling better, what do you want to do?” Not that I miss the annoying questions or anything. I just miss irritating you by my refusal to give you a straight answer.
Okay, so it’s twenty nine minutes and forty seven seconds past 11:00. Dr. Gwen is nowhere to be found. Worried? Who’s worried, little journal? I’m not worried. I told you, I just want to freak her out; concern her. You know, I need to make her feel bad for being so late. Doesn’t she know that I could be going crazy in here? Whatever, I don’t need her anyways. I’ll just read for a while… I know, I’ll read Looking for Alaska. That always cheers me up. Wait, I heard a noise. Was that her?! It was just the television, little journal, no need to freak out. She’s only forty two minutes late. Maybe she got stuck in traffic. I know she works here, little journal. I’m trying to calm myself down. She’ll be here. I know it. I’ll just keep reading until she gets here.
-Anxious Autumn

It is now 2:09 P.M. Dr. Gwen. I’m sick of waiting. I’m calling you right this instant! Oh, I think she’s picking up!
“Hello, Dr. Gwen Thomas…”
“Finally, Dr. Gwen where have you-”
“…is unavailable right now, please leave your name and number and she will get back to you soon.”
“Dr. Gwen, it’s me, Autumn. I don’t know where you are but you’re obviously not coming. I really think we need to talk today. Well, not really. I was just kind of hoping to get a laugh out of you asking me stupid questions. Usually you call when you can’t make it. I was a little worried. You can call me back later, I guess. Bye.”
Okay, so something is seriously up. I don’t know where she is at all. Its 2:13 P.M. little journal, I think you might be working. I think I lied to you little journal. I do care that Dr. Gwen isn’t here. I always look forward to seeing her overly made up face and hearing her smooth voice asking me questions about my life. She’s always been the only person to care about me and now she’s gone! What am I going to do? Oh Dr. Gwen, if only you could see how ridiculous I am. This little journal has made me see, I need you. I need somebody, anybody. You were right Dr. Gwen, I do want to be fixed. Maybe, I was in denial. You can help me, can’t you? Please Dr. Gwen, I want to have a normal life.
I’m sorry that I’m crying on you little journal, I warned you of tears. I just wish Dr. Gwen were here to see that I’ve made a break through.
“Autumn, stop your crying,” a familiar smooth, calm voice said.
“Dr. Gwen! I have so much to tell you! Your journal is working! It is! I know I’m going to get better!”
“I know you will too. It will take work but now, I can see that you are willing,” she said as a smile broke across her face. “I couldn’t help you if you wouldn’t accept it.”
“You know Dr. Gwen, this little journal and I have a lot to tell you.”
-the soon to be brand new, Autumn Ray