Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Happiness Does Not Have A "Y" In It

so i feel like everytime i tell myself im going to start blogging, i dont. somethings wrong with that. i really need to work on it. but whatever i guess thats not really the point. i watched The Pursuit of Happyness yesterday and its probably the saddest movie i've ever seen. it really made me think about my life and has made me thankful for all that i have. i just want to take a moment to reflect on all the good things i've been blessed with: a home, a family, friends, a wonderful boyfriend, clothes, food, books, the chance to see some of my favorite bands multiple times, going out to eat. there are so many things i take for granted everyday. it makes me sad to see myself going out and spending money frivilously when i know that there are others who scrounge to pay for each meal. im so thankful that i dont have to do that.

i found out the reason that you spell happiness "h-a-p-p-i-n-e-s-s" instead of "h-a-p-p-y-n-e-s-s." the second one has a "y" in it. which can mean why, as in why do i deserve happyness? or why should i strive for happyness? the spelling with a y leaves room for questions. when you finally reach happyness, you can still ask "why?" when you spell happiness the correct way, there is no questioning. there is a "i" as in I do deserve happiness or I finally have reached that point in my life where happiness is real. happiness makes the long journey all worth while.

i think i have finally found my happiness. depression and i seemed to go hand in hand for the past few months but things are finally looking up. im realizing that im not so alone. there are some people that care and those are the ones who really count. i have my friends, i have my boyfriend, i have my mom and sister. those are the people who are there no matter what and those are the people i will cherish always. im slowly learning how to learn from my mistakes. its one of the hardest things for me, but im getting there. im learning to not let other people hurt me and learning how to ignore the things that people say that get to me. slowly but surely im letting go of all the bad things that once controlled me. im learning how to have fun again. im learning how to be myself and not give a damn about what people think.

i am crazy; i am wild. i am ridiculous; i am silly. i am rude; i am obnoxious. i am no longer sad; i've found true happiness.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

champagne for my real friends,

Real Pain For My Sham Friends
so i want everyone to know i really suck at blogging, not even once a month. im going try to start doing this at least once a week. its good for the mind. so basically, my life has been heading in an awful direction for the past month. all my friends have decided they are too cool to hang with the "scene" kid. i dont fit in anywhere anymore. i dont drink or smoke so i cant hang with the other "loners." i dont wear clothes from abercrombie and fitch so i dont fit in with my old friends. ever since i found me, i seem to have lost everyone else. ironic? i finally decided who i am and what makes me but no one can seem to accept it. i've always said it doesnt matter what people think but it was a lie. every day i lose someone that i thought i could trust and it kills me. its gotten to the point where i dont want to wake up in the morning. i dont have the urge to hang out with friends. i dont want to be around people. i've been reduced to utter desolation. every friend i have has turned their back. and sadly, im becoming complacent in that. i dont know what to do with myself anymore. a couple weekends ago, anything to get me out of this life sounded good. if it wasnt for my mom and the one friend i can trust (she knows who she is) i dont know if i would be able to survive. she has saved me from myself and she has no idea. although i have lost so many people lately, she has stuck by me. our friendship has grown through this and that is the only thing in my life i am thankful for right about now. as for the rest of my "friends" as much as it hurts me to say this- fuck them. i dont need them. i have all i need in my very best friend.