Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Happiness Does Not Have A "Y" In It

so i feel like everytime i tell myself im going to start blogging, i dont. somethings wrong with that. i really need to work on it. but whatever i guess thats not really the point. i watched The Pursuit of Happyness yesterday and its probably the saddest movie i've ever seen. it really made me think about my life and has made me thankful for all that i have. i just want to take a moment to reflect on all the good things i've been blessed with: a home, a family, friends, a wonderful boyfriend, clothes, food, books, the chance to see some of my favorite bands multiple times, going out to eat. there are so many things i take for granted everyday. it makes me sad to see myself going out and spending money frivilously when i know that there are others who scrounge to pay for each meal. im so thankful that i dont have to do that.

i found out the reason that you spell happiness "h-a-p-p-i-n-e-s-s" instead of "h-a-p-p-y-n-e-s-s." the second one has a "y" in it. which can mean why, as in why do i deserve happyness? or why should i strive for happyness? the spelling with a y leaves room for questions. when you finally reach happyness, you can still ask "why?" when you spell happiness the correct way, there is no questioning. there is a "i" as in I do deserve happiness or I finally have reached that point in my life where happiness is real. happiness makes the long journey all worth while.

i think i have finally found my happiness. depression and i seemed to go hand in hand for the past few months but things are finally looking up. im realizing that im not so alone. there are some people that care and those are the ones who really count. i have my friends, i have my boyfriend, i have my mom and sister. those are the people who are there no matter what and those are the people i will cherish always. im slowly learning how to learn from my mistakes. its one of the hardest things for me, but im getting there. im learning to not let other people hurt me and learning how to ignore the things that people say that get to me. slowly but surely im letting go of all the bad things that once controlled me. im learning how to have fun again. im learning how to be myself and not give a damn about what people think.

i am crazy; i am wild. i am ridiculous; i am silly. i am rude; i am obnoxious. i am no longer sad; i've found true happiness.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

champagne for my real friends,

Real Pain For My Sham Friends
so i want everyone to know i really suck at blogging, not even once a month. im going try to start doing this at least once a week. its good for the mind. so basically, my life has been heading in an awful direction for the past month. all my friends have decided they are too cool to hang with the "scene" kid. i dont fit in anywhere anymore. i dont drink or smoke so i cant hang with the other "loners." i dont wear clothes from abercrombie and fitch so i dont fit in with my old friends. ever since i found me, i seem to have lost everyone else. ironic? i finally decided who i am and what makes me but no one can seem to accept it. i've always said it doesnt matter what people think but it was a lie. every day i lose someone that i thought i could trust and it kills me. its gotten to the point where i dont want to wake up in the morning. i dont have the urge to hang out with friends. i dont want to be around people. i've been reduced to utter desolation. every friend i have has turned their back. and sadly, im becoming complacent in that. i dont know what to do with myself anymore. a couple weekends ago, anything to get me out of this life sounded good. if it wasnt for my mom and the one friend i can trust (she knows who she is) i dont know if i would be able to survive. she has saved me from myself and she has no idea. although i have lost so many people lately, she has stuck by me. our friendship has grown through this and that is the only thing in my life i am thankful for right about now. as for the rest of my "friends" as much as it hurts me to say this- fuck them. i dont need them. i have all i need in my very best friend.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I Wish Wishes Came True

Shine your light.

I never thought it would be so hard to make changes in my life that could affect others positively. That quote i picked out is way harder to act on than i thought it would be. People say a smile can brighten up someone's day, right? I smiled at a teacher who looked like he was in a bad mood and then everyone thought i was a suck up. How did the world get to be like that? I do something nice so I'm a kiss-ass. I do something mean so I'm a bitch. Can't i have an inbetween? I do something nice and I make someone smile. No rewards, no pestering. Wouldn't it be nice if people could do good deeds just for the sake of doing good deeds? Not for praise and not for acceptance. I wish that people would just be kind to one another. I wish that I could be a friend to people who need a friend, but I'm too shy to chat. I wish I knew how to brighten a person's day the way that others know how to brighten mine. I wish that wishes came true.

Monday, March 2, 2009

You Remind Me Of A Former Love

I Have Friends In Holy Spaces

hello old friend,
i haven't seen you in a while.
isn't it funny
that you still know how to make me smile?
do you still know my secret?
I'm sure you wouldn't ever tell.
a twisted fate put us
farther apart than your heaven and my hell
back within arms reach
could we just have one last long, slow, dance?
i would never take it back
even now, as I'm given this one last long, slow, chance.

When The Guilt Sets In

A Secret Oath

today just doesn't feel right, it feels like things are going by in slow motion. minutes feel like days, hours like weeks. i don't know what's going on- strike that- i do, but its one of those things that i just don't have the nerve to explain. i'm in a fog. i know what i want but i can't have it. i know what i need but i don't have a way of getting it. i lost my chance what seems like years ago and i'll admit that this pain is my fault. there's no one to blame because no one tried to do this, no one pushed forward. just me. song to describe my mood, "if i hadnt blown the whole thing years ago, i might not be alone." Hey Jealousy, The Gin Blossoms Another song- "you've brainwashed me and now i'm more confused. i still somehow hope i'll end up with you." Himerus & Eros, The Spill Canvas

You Wear Your Heart On Your Sleeve;

I Throw Mine To The Sky.
So I've decided that once a week I will find a new quote that seems to jump out at me and take it as a sign that I need to work on whatever it says. I'll post it here and try to live by the rules or ideas that it states. This week's quote: "Be the change that you wish to see in the world." -Mahatma Gandhi, Guru Extraordinaire.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

The Truth Is...

so tonight i'll sit and pick apart your pictures and i'll over analyze your words.
all hail the heartbreaker, TSC

a montage of song lyrics to describe how i feel:
you've got me down on my knees and i proclaim, "all hail the heartbreaker."
all hail the heartbreaker, TSC
when you see my face, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell.
gives you hell, AAR
swing, swing, swing from the tangles of my heart
swing, swing, AAR
don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
dirty little secret, AAR
theres a lonliness inside her and she's do anything to fill it in. she could change everything about her using colors bold and bright but al the colors mix together- to grey
grey street, DMB
the dreaming tree has died.
dreaming trees, DMB
never, never. i had a feeling this would never, never.
temper temper, envy on the coast
when we hear hearts break, we'll say they're playing our song.
speakers blown, hit the lights
and i'm still waiting, waiting on the world to change.
waiting on the world to change, john mayer
tell me anything, anything to keep me breathing.
your stories, my alibis, matchbook romance
my cars outside, i want to leave.
maybe misery, quietdrive
hopeless love, how did you carve your home in me?
hopeless love, daphne loves derby
you have no idea what you're doing to me. i dont know how you jumped your way into my heart.
pandora, madina lake
i've been thinking, over thinking 'cause there's just too many scenarios to analyze... i'll break my heart in two more times that you could ever do.
over thinking, relient k
sometimes perfection can be perfect hell.
bruised, jack's mannequin
oh pilot can you help me, can you make this last?
bruised, jack's mannequin
every inch of me is bruised.
bruised, jack's mannequin

this is the end of my montage of emotion, mostly because i don't give a shit right now and i dont know a song that says apathy in the proper context.